Sorry for the extremely delayed updates! I’ve been wanting to post about my favorite spot in the world, but found my best work is done on site, and it is uncommon for people in that establishment to be Phone Guy. As such, I have probably about a thousand words in a draft note on my phone (all written Off Site), but nothing to the caliber you people deserve.

Anyway, I had to run some errands today (pick up prescriptions and duct tape so I can tape my car back together…) and I decided I deserved a Treat for being So Responsible and Taco Bell has a few new releases so it’s like… what the hell why not!!!!

I wanted to get the chicken bacon ranch nacho fries because I am disgusting and chicken bacon ranch is my favorite savory flavor combo, but since I am on a little Health and Wellness Journey, I opted not to. Instead, I got the Beefy Potato Loaded Griller and the Mini Taco Salad.

This was disappointing and I did not finish it (health and wellness!!!). It was really saucy (good!) and had a bit of a kick to it (also good!) and had a really smokey undercurrent, which could almost be described as bacon-esque. These were all good things. However, it didn’t do much for me texturally. It was sloppy and mushy, and there was nothing cool or crisp to add excitement—no tomato, and not a single shred of lettuce. Furthermore, the sauces were unevenly distributed, which is actually a feat considering it’s a fucking burrito???

The taco salad was better. I like the idea of it being teeny tiny. The tomatoes were abundant and also red, and they had some flavor… all of which sort of surprised me. It had shredded cheese, some sort of ranch dressing maybe, refried beans, and taco meat. The taco bowl itself was light and flakey. Honestly the ideal vessel.

While there wasn’t much meat in this mini taco salad, I was surprised and delighted by the refried beans because they acted as a nice binder for everything. Nothing fell off the fork or the little nacho I was able to make out of the shell. Each bite had a little kick, and there was significantly more texture than the “stacker”. I didn’t hate it. (I also only ate half due to my Health and Wellness Journey.)

(Tangentially related and a fun tip for anyone interested: one thing I like to do at Taco Bell (when I am NOT on a Health and Wellness journey!!!) is get the cravings box (for those unfamiliar, it is a little meal box which comes with a fancier item—like a cheesy gordita crunch or crunch wrap or whatever), one of the less premium burritos, and something small—nachos and cheese or the little cinnamon curls). Usually, I’ll get the nachos and whatever kind of beefy burrito they’re offering. What I do is open the little burrito up and first dip the chips into the cheese sauce and THEN top it off with the burrito filling, eschewing the flour tortilla altogether and making premium nachos.)

Additionally, I would be remiss to not mention the ambiance. To be honest, I considered eating the meal in my car. It’s Girl Culture after all!!!! But since this was a Formal Review I felt it necessary to eat On Site at the Aramingo and Tioga location. It was clean and it was empty, until some insanely cool teen came in wearing the uniform of a school I used to teach at (my favorite one!!!). It was her birthday and she wanted to know what she could get for free (she got a grilled cheese burrito). Honestly she rocks and I hope she has the best birthday. Love a bold bitch who’s scheming for free shit. I don’t know her but I know she is going far.

Bye everyone!!!

The first time I ever saw the Extremely Iconic Pete’s Clown House sign was in 2016. I don’t remember the context because I can’t imagine why I would I have been on that stretch of Frankford Ave, but it must have been divine intervention or something because god needed me (eternal breakfast and overall novelty enthusiast!!) to see the light!!!!!!

Look at that SIGN!! literally how could anyone NOT want to go to this place??!! But having no other reason to be up there, I remember picking up specific substitute teaching jobs at schools in close proximity to Clown Hole so I would have an excuse to 1) eat breakfast, and 2) cool down after a long bike ride so I would not be gross at work. Very wise decision! The breakfast special at the time was 2 eggs, coffee, toast, and potatoes for $2.99! I’d sit at the bar and chitchat with the old men and the ladies working. How nice!

Fast forward the better part of a decade. It’s the morning after Nick’s wedding. I have the worst hangover of my entire life (hell of a party!). I need breakfast. I ordered clown town from Uber eats (shameful). I got cream chipped beef and some random combo. I couldn’t eat it hot because I was far too hung over, but since I don’t waste food, I ate it cold throughout the day. It was perfectly fine, but more important, the seed of the clown was planted baby!!! And now it’s our only breakfast spot.

While the prices have gone up considerably since 2016, clown town is still significantly more affordable than the standard diner. Furthermore, and more importantly, the quality and ambiance have been both consistent and ideal. Waitresses are friendly, patrons are in sweats, the walls are covered in both clown motifs and coloring book pages (seasonal, of course). Usually I get either the he man special or the falcon feast, and usually Mr. Duane gets the other one, so we end up with both to share. This is wise because it means bacon, sausage, AND scrapple, AND potatoes, while still getting the sweet component with the pancakes or French toast (3 total). There is also a scratch off machine, but I have yet to get a winning ticket. Sad!!

This article has been in the works since November, and is only now being published because I went on a solo date there yesterday and forgot to bring a book.

For those curious, it was an eventful breakfast—for one thing, it was the morning after my favorite waitress’s 50th birthday and, despite her admitted hangover and the obscene amount of ubereats orders coming through the counter, the service was perfect. But more important, I got the sausage and gravy special, which was an unexpected Gametime decision (why stray from god’s light??) which apparently everyone was making that day.. there was a lot of marveling at the phenomenon from behind the counter—we’ve sold more today than in the past month!! But it was really good so I guess straying from gods light is sometimes ok?? Also it was called the “Dicksy” which I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.. what on earth kind of name is that??

Ultimately, I highly recommend stopping in at Clown Town if you ever find yourself in the Juniata area between 5am and 1pm.

I’ve been there a couple of times: took my mom out for Mother’s Day and went to a happy hour or two, but last night Mr Duane wanted to go on a date, and since I couldn’t stay up late (had to do a Labor Walk (lit drop) bright and early…) I thought somewhere in the neighborhood would be the best option. She’s correct again!!

We went at 6, the happy hour is from 5-7. Let me tell you, the deals are GREAT. They have this cucumber martini (“Concombre Martini”) for $10 (regular price is $14.50) and I am constantly thinking about it because it is the best cocktail I’ve ever had. It’s bright, not too sweet, and lightly effervescent because there’s a little champagne in it. It doesn’t have egg white, but it’s got the delightful little foam so common with egg white drinks. They use a really bright cucumber puree, which is exciting to me.

Last time we were there, we saw some people eating the mussels and thought it was something we also needed to try. Once again, power move!!! They were great! The biggest mussels I’ve ever seen! So tender! So hearty! And the sauce..! Not very spicy and still so flavorful, with little pieces of chorizo. It was served with grilled breadsticks, and they were also excellent. Very soft, and with a nice charred flavor. Honestly could’ve used one or two more for the sauce, but it was so artfully presented with the two that I understand. They were also discounted for happy hour, which I love because I’m nothing if not a bargain basement bitch!!

After that, we deuced the pierogis, and Mr Duane got the happy hour burger, and I got the happy hour salmon taco. Since I don’t like to be Phone Guy at restaurants (tacky!!), I didn’t take detailed notes.

I didn’t take a picture of the happy hour burger, but it was a very robust slider. 4oz burger, with bacon, cheddar, LTO, and harissa mayo. I’ve gotten it before, and the mayo was a little spicy for my liking because I am the worlds biggest baby, but the burger was well cooked and the bun was not too big, which is my most frequent burger gripe!! It also came with steak fries, which are typically the worst type of fry, but these were well-done and crisp. And to be fair, I can’t imagine any other type of fry fitting the fine dining kinda vibe of this place (a waffle fry would be inappropriate, as would anything battered and seasoned), so I guess they made the best of the hand they were dealt!

Finally, I got the salmon taco. One salmon taco for $6.50?? Seemed a little obscene to have ordered blindly, but I’ll probably never forget this bad boy. I guess it was approximately 5 cubic inches of salmon, which was well seared on each side, and delightfully rare in the middle. Topped with guac, cilantro, sesame seeds, and I think an eel sauce?? It was so friggen good. And the little corn tortilla was the absolute perfect vessel for it; it held everything perfectly without being overpowering, and didn’t fall apart at all. A very clean bite, which is good because I’m such a fucking slob. There was a spicy red pepper on top, but I removed it (world’s biggest baby!!), but I’d imagine if you’re the kind of person who enjoys “flavor” it would also be excellent.

We walked home and debriefed the meal. We agreed that it is always tragically empty for how good it is!!! And the prices are right!! Very selfishly I am glad this spot is on Allegheny rather than, like, Frankford or Passyunk, because otherwise it would be slammed all the time. But it is tragically empty!! But it is also a million percent worth venturing out for!!! I suggest going on a date in my neighborhood then hanging out w me after!! Why not?!

Anyway that’s sort of how I thought I’d feel about Arby’s since they closed the one on Aramingo a couple years ago. I never went even though it was 5 blocks from my house—I just wasn’t interested because 1) I’ve never been a Hot Roast Beef guy, and 2) Arby’s also felt trashy to me (????). But then Arby’s commercials became more ubiquitous, and I became increasingly curious, and then suddenly the Arby’s wasn’t on Aramingo anymore. So I figured I’d missed the boat and I’d always be wondering what it would’ve been like!!!

Ultimately that was a stupid way to feel because Arby’s is literally a fast food chain so there are many locations across the country, including one on route one in Delaware, which is where I am because we are celebrating Sukkot with my mom and her running friends (she’s got like 40 of them coming to her house??? So popular!!!). Anyway I just had a burger and here’s the review.

Before I opened the burger I tried the Diet Coke, which was nothing to write home about. Definitely not McDonalds caliber. The blend felt a little flat, and it was standard ice, which isn’t as good as the teenytiny pebbles. Diet Coke rating is a 7/10.

I opened the burger and was disappointed by the brioche bun. First, I think brioche is typically a little too decadent a vessel for a burger. Like many fast food burgers, the bun was too big for the patty itself. Also, it was obviously thrown together without care, as everything was askew and a lot of the cheese stuck to the paper. A bummer!

But the burger was topped with the typical lettuce/tomato/onion/pickle. The lettuce was finely shredded and the shreds were quite long (longer than McDonald’s or taco bell or whatever) which I liked, and the onion was red (which I’ve never encountered on a fast food burger before—a pleasant surprise!). The pickles were thicker cut and added a little crunch which was also nice. Also, there was a “burger sauce” which was just a mayo/ketchup mixture… big fan of that.

The burger patty itself was also good. Well seasoned, good texture, adequate sized. Just a real shame how the whole thing was thrown together. All together, the Arby’s experience was an 8/10. Wish I could give a more detailed account, but my mom (10/10 love her sooo much) was yapping while I was trying to focus.

Anyway big thanks to Mr. Diane for delivering me a burger that I thought I’d never experience in my life!!!!

Tragically, I fell ill last Tuesday night. I was laying in bed, SO tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open to read, and yet I could not sleep! My body hurt! My head ached! I was sick as a friggen doggie!!! And I can’t remember the last time I got sick!!! So it simply had to be a temporary welding flu from all the carcinogens i’d been inhaling (who knew metal fumes were so toxic???). But I was in that weird, borderline hallucinogenic fevered state, and I told myself, OK!! This is temporary!! Welding Flu doesn’t last too long!! So the plan is: up at 6. Home Depot for respirator/face mask. Breakfast sandwich. Go weld. (I do not handle unstructured time well!!! I need to Do Stuff!!!)

I woke up feeling like absolute dog shit (no surprise!!). But because I am extremely dedicated to 1) the idea of Being Consistent and Responsible and Waking Up Early Every Single Day, 2) a really good sandwich, and 3) Content Creation, I followed through with my plan.

Anyway, my first post includes a brief review of the Home Depot breakfast sandwich, and the long and short of it is: I might’ve been wrong.

the last time I got the Home Depot (or Rocco’s) breakfast sandwich, it was from the Home Depot in South Philly. As I remember it, the sandwich was resplendent!! It came on a seeded roll and I think they scooped the bread—controversial, but similar to my pie take, I do not like too much of a vessel because the star of the show (the sandwich filling!!) should shine. In this particular sandwich, everything was well distributed, there was cooper sharp, the potatoes were crispy, the pork roll cut perfectly (neither too thick nor too thin..) perfect sandwich.

But this time?? I went to the Home Depot in Port Richmond. This Home Depot sucks. Literally everything is in a cage (this is not the case at Lowe’s, where you can grab a tape measure and be in and out in two minutes), and everyone who works there is the dumbest motherfucker you’ve ever met (much like everyone who lives in Port Richmond). Even though the Home Depot sucks, I had not considered that the Rocco’s at that location would be equally disappointing. Silly me!!

This sandwich wasn’t awful, but it didn’t meet my really high expectations. It simply paled in comparison to the South Philly sandwich. The roll was unseeded and unscooped AND a little stale?? The potatoes were soggy and the peppers and onions were too sweet. HOWEVER, in defense of the sandwich, it’s difficult to do potatoes on a sandwich right. They will almost inevitably go soggy.

But more disappointing was the distribution of ingredients and overall structure. As you can see, the bottom half of the sandwich was all potatoes/pepper/onions. This might have been ok if the bread was fresher, or if the potatoes had a better texture, or if the peppers were less sweet, but the confluence of all the shortcomings (plus a lack of salt), was less than ideal.

Furthermore, the poor distribution meant that some bites were too salty. The bites that were almost exclusively pork roll and cooper sharp were borderline inedible. There was not enough egg to balance the flavors. The egg shouldn’t necessarily be the star of the breakfast sandwich, but there should be more egg than potato, and every bite ought to include a little egg.

Ultimately, a good sandwich is more than the sum of its parts. And not only were the parts of this sandwich subpar, but the execution left a lot to be desired. You could get this sandwich, and you’d probably enjoy it enough, AND it’s big enough for two meals, but there’s definitely a better sandwich out there. But honestly, the novelty of getting a sandwich from the Home Depot restaurant makes it worth trying…just go to the one in the Columbus Commons shopping center.

HOWEVER: I would be remiss not to mention that my illness was Not a Temporary Welding Flu, but a surprise bout of Covid! Perhaps this impeded my judgement??

(Anyway the covid wasn’t so bad. It was just a little case of the sniffles. Plus I could smell and taste stuff, and I don’t have any lingering effects. Just an inconvenience!!!)

I love marshmallow. I think it is a very fun texture and you don’t find it outside of marshmallows specifically, ya know? But these built bars are basically chocolate covered marshmallow bars; just a really sturdy marshmallow made from collagen and whey and fake sweetener, and they are so fucking good. I’ve only had two flavors—chocolate brownie and coconut, because that’s what Costco sells—but they’re both excellent. It’s reminiscent of a three musketeers bar because of the chocolate coating and fluffy filling. I like picking off the coating with my teeth and then eating the innards in perfect square form (MANY people do this). It’s difficult to do because of how sticky the filling is, but I like a challenge. The coconut flavor has the flavor profile of an Almond Joy (controversial), which I quite enjoy.

They also make built bars with little chunks of dough in them (like brownie and cookie dough) but I’ve never seen them in real life so who knows? They make a banana cream pie flavor (!!!!!) and I need to get my paws on that bad boy asap!!!!

2. Barebells

Another protein bar has hit the tower. The internet broads are always going on about how they taste Just Like A Real Candy Bar!!!! This is extremely not true—you can’t make whey and sucralose taste like sugar and nougat; the texture is too gritty and the sweetness has an aftertaste—but if you’ve been denying yourself the Real Deal for a long time, they taste *almost* like a real candy bar. The best flavors are salty peanut (which is like a diet Snickers bar!), and the seasonal Key Lime Pie. I’ve also had the Cashew Caramel, Chocolate Dough, and Cookies and Cream. I wouldn’t kick any of them out of bed, but I got five boxes of the Chocolate Dough (which is kind of like a brownie/cookie dough flavor) at the weird Amazon reject store near my house (????) for, like, $3 a box. So now I’m a little sick of them. But they have a crunchy puffed element in the coating, which is a delight.

3. Alani Nu

I think I learned about energy drinks in 2003 when a substitute teacher at my middle school claimed to have lost a bunch of weight by drinking a ton of Red Bull. A truly bizarre thing to tell children, but it stuck with me. The same lady also proclaimed that The Grapes of Wrath was the worst book she’d ever read, so I guess she was mentally retarded?

But for the longest time, in my mind, energy drinks were for the riff-raff. People who drink energy drinks were into monster trucks and race cars (NOS had just been released and, in my mind, resembled an oil canister??). It wasn’t for high-brow broads like me. I was a black coffee bitch—a worldly and moody individual. Sweet drinks were for children!

Fast forward twenty years and I stop lying to myself. I start putting cream and sugar in my coffee (a decadent treat!) and get into sugar free red bull vodkas. The floodgates had been opened and I am so glad.

Enter… Alani Nu. Finally, an energy drink specifically for da broads!!! All the weightloss girlies are drinking it!! Skinny cans in Lisa Frank color pallets, names reminiscent of childhood delights… perfect for the Skinny Winners. But it’s not just the branding, baby. It’s the vitamins, it’s the biotin, it’s the feminine flavors of Pink Slush (strawberries and cream) and Rainbow Sherbet. The Juicy Peach is reminiscent of diet peach Snapple. The Orange Kiss is identical to diet Sunkist. The Cherry Twist is nice and tart. These drinks rock. They taste pretty artificial if you think about it, but I don’t. These don’t have the same UP UP UP characteristics of C4 (which makes your skin hurt) or Ghost, but taste wise? They are IT.

4. Sugar Free Jello Pudding Mixes

The internet ladies make jello pudding with fairlife skim milk and I am right with them!!! High protein! Under 300 calories for two cups of dessert! The chocolate fudge rocks, the vanilla kinda sucks (it doesn’t mix well and tastes too artificial), and my husband likes the pistachio, but I’m not crazy about it because it tastes so phony to me. But the chocolate fudge?? Good as hell!! Sometimes I will get really wild and make it with the 30 grams of protein Fairlife Chocolate Milkshake thing.

Often I will make a Pudding Parfait where I layer the pudding and the target brand sugar free whipped cream. If I have a banana on hand, I’ll cut that bad boy up and make a layer of that too. But usually I will have a treat that is equal parts pudding and whipped cream (sometimes more whipped cream but who cares??). But to be fully transparent, the best part is the end of the whipped cream can because I can enjoy a few whippits—zero calories, baby!!!!

5. Catalina Crunch

One of my favorite weight loss broads is always hyping this stuff up, and one time she had the sound on while eating it (perverted and depraved), but the crunch!! It was so loud!! And I love a good crunch!!! So when I saw a big bag of it at Costco I impulse bought it because why not???

Maybe I am making this up, but I think there was a short lived “French Toast Crunch” cereal. It was similar to Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but more maple flavored and without the sugar-cinnamon coating. Either way, the Catalina Crunch Cinnamon Toast is an absolute dead ringer for it (even if it didn’t exist and I’m imagining it). This shit was so fucking good. And so crunchy! I’ve been eating it in yogurt every morning and it doesn’t get soggy or lose its crunch at all. We housed a giant bag of it in like a week and a half. Then I bought every other flavor. So, for those who are interested, the rankings are as follows:

1. Blueberry Muffin is top tier. Tastes like a muffin top because, somehow, one side of the square is sweeter than the other. And there are teeny-tiny dried blueberries in it! A delight!!

2. Next is the Cinnamon Toast (as described above)

3. The Fruity flavor (which is like a less sweet Trix)

4. Chocolate Peanut Butter. This one is just… fine. Not a ton of flavor.

5. Dark Chocolate. This one was actually pretty bad (tasted like bitter cardboard).

6. Cottage Cheese

Saving the best for last because I am thrilled by this development!! It’s the closest thing to an apple these women are pushing. Cottage cheese rocks and is not embarrassing to eat because it is both beloved by the elderly and not ultra processed. It tastes better than and is more versatile than Greek yogurt. High protein, no artificial flavoring or fake sugar, makes foods creamier… can’t beat it. I prefer the Aldi brand (low fat) but the target brand (also low fat) is also pretty good. I don’t think I’ve had the name brands, because I’m busy splurging on all the other slop.

Anyway, those are my reviews.

Hands down, it’s Curran’s in Tacony.

Last week, Vicki and I went to a Northeast Philly townhall meeting to bully Manhattan Institute Pretty Boy Joe Picozzi, who’s favorite thing to do is sell his constituents out to build a career in the Republican Party. He is a disgusting weasel of a human being, and I hope he never gets a good nights rest, and I hope someone shoves him into a locker (or the equivalent?) in Harrisburg.

I did get to bend his ear a little, and when his aide (another disgusting loser but with a man bun) told me I could discuss any issues with him while Joey stepped away, I said, “no thanks brother, I want to talk to Manhattan institute pretty boy over there!!!” And Joe Picozzi looked over, so it is a name that he responds to, so anyone is allowed to call him that.

Anyway, that is not the point of this post. The point is that after the event, Vicki and I wanted to get dinner. Currans, which is just off 95 and only a couple miles from my house, was very convenient, so that’s where we went. Baby, it was a GAME CHANGER.

Currans is exactly what a bar/restaurant should be. A big, long bar, a restaurant to the side, and an outdoor seating area. I had been there before, after the staff softball game after the last day of school a couple of years ago, and all I remember is having a bunch of green tea shots (it’s the northeast after all!), and miraculously not dying on my bike ride home (I cannot believe how recklessly I lived in my youth!).

But this time? It was 80¢ wing night. In this economy?! You can’t not get the wings when it’s bargain basement!!! And they were the BEST wings I’ve ever had. Crisp and oily on the outside, but moist and flavorful on the inside. Well-sauced. A perfectly cromulent amount of bleu cheese on the side. Big too. So big in fact that I could only eat 8 of them! Usually I can house like a dozen wings because they are teeny tiny, but not these bad boys!!!

I got five garlic parmesan and five mild. The garlic parm were saucy as hell, and had a lot of parmesan sprinkled on top, and also some flecks of green (parsley maybe?? Couldn’t discern the flavor but very High Brow), and the mild was traditional. Probably sauced with the classic butter and franks red hot—the platonic ideal of wings. It was equal parts drums and flats.

I told my husband about these wings the second I got home—even before telling him about the townhall, which is crazy because I’ve been talking about how much I fucking hate Joe Picozzi since the day he was elected (he beat out the Perfect Old School Democrat Jimmy Dillon, who had been genetically engineered in a lab to appeal to me, specifically.). I said to tj, “clear your schedule!! We are going on a DATE on Thursday!! We are going to get 80¢ wings!!!”

These wings were on my mind all week, which was great because they were a light in the darkness. Septa is being cut. The local economy is going to be destroyed. 55,000 kids won’t be able to get to school, 70,000 adults won’t be able to get to work. We live in a world run by absolute ghouls. Plus, I got laid off (nature of the job, but tragic nonetheless!). But… the 80¢ wings!! It’s something to look forward to!!

So Thursday rolls around and we go to Currans. We get there at like 5:30 and the wing deal doesn’t start til 6. The bartender says as much, but she also says she can let it slide and we can get the deal (we didn’t even ask because I’m not tacky!! She offered preemptively!). I got about a million diet cokes, tj got a couple miller lites. The Diet Cokes were too syrupy, but each one had its own lemon, so it’s impossible to complain. We ordered fries (side of cheese) and 20 wings—an equal split mild and garlic parm again. The wings were the same as last time—perfect—and the fries (and cheese sauce) were a surprising delight. So many establishments get French fries wrong, but not Currans. These were crisp on the outside (honestly kind of a feat because they weren’t the breaded type) and moist on the inside. Very similar to the fries at meetinghouse. The cheese sauce was neither Cheez-Wiz (which I love so much) nor the Canned Yellow Cheese sauce that most places use (that shit is fucking gross, imho). The cheese sauce was not as good as the stuff at Gaul & Co (which is cooper sharp based), but it was similar.

But beyond the wings, I cannot say enough good things about the ambiance. The TVs were really big, the other patrons were really nice and friendly. One of the guys was a Local 690 plumber and we chatted briefly about being United Association Brothers because I was wearing a Local 420 shirt. There was also a shuffleboard set up. A classic bar! Plus, it is in Tacony, and we took the scenic route home, and I like looking at the houses.

Anyway, if anyone wants to go to Currans on a Thursday Night, I am officially Always Down. I really fucked up by not taking pictures, but you gotta take my word for it!!!

Possibly more controversial: I’ve never been a huge tastykake guy. I’ll never kick a little treat out of bed, but by and large I think tastykake products are cloyingly sweet and always a little stale (I know, Philadelphians simply love to embrace things that are shitty for some reason, but I guess I like the finer things!!!). My husband doesn’t share my refined pallet and is really into their seasonal products, and as a broad who loves novelty anything—I support his impulse to do a once over of the new product display section. Last spring there were peach doughnuts that were pretty good!! (Plagued by just a little stale though).

Also, broadly speaking, I have never been much of a pie guy. No matter how much crust a pie has, there is simply too much of it. Unless the crust is, like, graham cracker or coated in little sugar crystals or something… it doesn’t really do much for me. The flavor isn’t there, the texture isn’t there, and it feels like too much calorie for too little flavor. I don’t want to waste my time on the vessel!

Anyway, we stopped at royal farms on the way down to Delaware the other day and my husband grabbed two tastykake novelties—both pies—one banana split (hell yeah hell yeah!!!!!!) and one orange cream (..seems weird for a pie imho). But that is what brings me to this food review!!!!

My hopes were high and my expectations were low, so I was not disappointed! As for the components, the crust was a vessel. Flavorless, sorta stale (expected). The chocolate made it better, but there was not enough of it on there (again! Expected! A gas station treat!!).

The filling? A layer of banana cream and a layer of strawberry something—syrup? Jelly? Sauce??—very difficult to find the right word for it because it was basically just runny. Anyway, the banana filling was actively bad. It was like a salty Boston crème with a hint of banana flavor. It was also overpowered by the strawberry sauce, which was very sweet and red, but not very strawberry.

overall—and not surprisingly—this treat was Not Good. However, it was a pleasant experience eating it because I ate it with family and we all talked about the tastykake pies and treats we enjoy :)

also the next day I tried the orange and cream pie and ya know what??? It was really good!!!!! I didn’t take notes on the flavor, but it was more Filled than the banana split.

there are a few things that make this sandwich a winner. for one, both sides of the sandwich have a slice of cheese. This is the simplest way to make a standout breakfast sandwich and I am always surprised it’s not more commonplace? Like from both a flavor and structural standpoint, double cheese makes sense because 1) it tastes good and adds moisture, and 2) it works to glue the meat AND the egg to the bread (or in this case, pressed everything bagel).

typically, I do not love a bagel sandwich. I think bagel is too dense for a sandwich and detracts from the important stuff. I have also found that stuff slips out of the typical bagel sandwich unless it is properly wrapped. So overall a poor vessel. However, this one hits way different. The bagel is grilled and pressed so it’s flatter and buttery and crispy. Also, it has the structural integrity often lacking in breakfast sandwiches that aren’t on long rolls. Overall it is very decadent and sits in the gut like a brick, but a bitch had too many margs last night so it’s what she needs.

Finally, the egg. Buttery, folded, ample, well done. Fluffy, but not offensively so. Don’t have too much more to say about it, but compared to the too fluffy middle child sandwich… it rocks. Definitely way more flavorful. I don’t have much to say about the pork roll, but it is unquestionably the best meat for a breakfast sandwich. It’s a circle, so it works proportionally.

all together, I highly recommend this sandwich. I think it might actually be tied for the first best sandwich with Rocco’s. The seeded long roll, the potatoes peppers and onions, the novelty of being from the Home Depot restaurant… that one is tough to beat, but this sandwich comes close.

also, I ate this sandwich at home but it’s worth noting that the ambiance of her daughters is cute and nice; lots of middle-brow art, cute little tables in a big and bright space… studied for finals there one time and it was really lovely. Also, they have some books in a little nook which is a nice touch. I took a picture because i was delighted to see they had some classics.

Anyway looking forward to doing more food reviews. Finally, an attainable creative outlet!!! Is this my calling????